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  • Writer's pictureNell Puetter

Are confident people born or made?

Updated: Apr 19


Experts might argue whether confident people are born or made. The answer is obvious to me. I believe that inner self-trust, resilience, natural confidence, and strength are the traits that people are born with. This is especially evident when we learn how to walk: each of us had proved that seed of inner power, persistence, and courage, otherwise, we would have never gotten up again.






This type of confidence is not something that some are fortunate enough to be born with, and others can never achieve. Experts might argue whether confident people are born or made. The answer is obvious to me.


We are born with the self-trust in our ability to navigate the ups and downs of life’s journey with ease while contributing to wellbeing in life.
–NELL PUETTER

The very act of being born, working our way out of a narrow passage to achieve freedom, proves we are hard-wired with self-trust that we can improve our situations. Something magical and powerful is definitely within us and wants us to live, and so we come howling into the world. As babies, we knew when to accept the circumstances and received help when needed. I believe that inner self-trust, resilience, and strength are the traits that people are born with.


This is especially evident when we learn how to walk: each of us had proved that seed of inner power, persistence, and courage, otherwise, we would have never gotten up again.


As everyone arrives here on the planet with a certain set of abilities, connections, talents, gifts, and potential, I believe that the Higher Powers have a purpose for you. And that is what makes all the meaning. Being you and living your purpose means being authentic.


So are you courageous to be authentic? Because the sooner you stop trying to be all things that don’t resonate with you, the sooner you stop being concerned about other people’s opinions, the sooner you stop being worried about saying your truth, the sooner you will start living your purpose in delivering an authentic, passionate, and inspiring contribution to the wellbeing of people around you and beyond.


 

Innate self-trust is fundamental

No one is immune to the difficulties of life, and it is natural for people to make mistakes, as this is how we learn and grow. Our sense of true innate self-trust gets tested under scrutiny when we face a tough time. The unexpected transition phase, loss of a loved one, a rough break-up, Coronavirus, or job challenges may shatter our sense of confidence and self-worth. In today’s fast-paced world, we experience significant challenges, distractions, pressures & unexpected changes. The ability to maintain calmness, focus, balance, and wellbeing amidst these distractions & complexities is an imperative life skill. Living your life from the place of self-trust, clarity, calmness, resilience and emotional stability has an impact not only on your confidence but also on your relationships, health, wealth, success, and most importantly, your sense of happiness and purpose-driven life. Your Higher Powers is a patient transformational master. It will not give up on you and will continue to bring you to the same learning point, giving you insights and new opportunities to free yourself from the mental trap and grow by embracing your protective and/ or wounded Parts. The lessons might not be easy; there will be some tests. But be sure Higher Powers will only give you challenges that are the right level of difficulty for you. As you start to “see-through’’ your mental clutter, making peace with all those Parts of yourself, you will find your way out of the self-constructed mental trap and back to your innate self-trust and wholeness.


This powerful sense of innate self-trust is one of the most important elements that greatly impacts taking courageous actions and designing your life. When you trust yourself, it is much easier for you to decide what suits you and what doesn’t. You can move forward with that choice because you know from within that you can handle any challenging situation in life and have faith in your inherent right to be prosperous and happy.


Living your life from the place of innate self-trust and acceptance means that you are clear about what you want; you are calm about the steps you take, and you also know that you can always count on yourself in any circumstance.


Living your life from the place of innate self-trust means you are not dependent on anyone telling you what to do. People’s opinions don’t throw you off balance as long as you have trust in yourself. Your thoughts are clear, your mind chatter is calm, and you can take bold action towards your self-growth, manifesting the life you envision. Living from the place of self-trust, however, does not mean that you will execute perfection in every field. Accepting yourself with all good and pain means also accepting and embracing your imperfections.


And I know there are times it is easier said than done. Because having self-trust does not always mean that you are going to be 100% perfect or right. More often, it’s just about believing in yourself that “I can handle this situation even when everything goes wrong.” Living your life from the place of innate self-trust means you know who you are. You are ok with being yourself. It is easy for you to decide what is congruent with your highest values.


When you trust yourself, you are aware of your actions and choices. You are authentic and clear about the things which are important to you and can set boundaries about things you cannot bear. It gets easy for you to make choices for yourself, with no one bringing confusion into your life. Living your life from the place of innate self-trust means you can learn from criticism and take it as constructive suggestions. You act maturely when people give their feedback and can connect with others in a productive manner. You can differentiate and don’t take their criticism to heart as you notice that the other person is approaching the matter from a different perspective. When you believe in yourself, it doesn’t really matter what other people think or say about you.


And there is no need to explain or protect yourself because when you have this knowing within, the criticism of others is not a danger, but simply a different opinion. When you experience an innate self-trust, you are in your power, knowing what you stand for, learning from the point of growth, rather than perceived flaws or lack of something. Once you start experiencing this sense of innate self-trust coming from within, you will begin taking the right actions that are in sync with your values and with who you are.


When all your Parts are aligned and truly integrated it is easy to be focused, creative, calm, and confident as you move with your whole being in one direction towards your goal, without wasting precious time and energy on battling with yourself, self-doubts, self-criticism, without the feeling of being torn apart by contradictory desires, beliefs, or the opinions of others and without constantly overwhelming yourself and those around you. In the chapters “Mental Traps” and “Parts Integration” we will be exploring how the inner-work methods can help you accept and embrace all facets of yourself. What matters in this inside out transformative journey is experiencing wholeness.


Denial

Many people, including myself in the past, disassociate themselves from having a lack of self-trust. They deny being insecure, feeling unworthy. They deny that all these years they are working hard to earn acknowledgment, acceptance, and love of others. The inner sense of inadequacy and lack of self-trust has many faces and the combinations are as unique as they possibly can be: some people engage in wrong things or distract themselves, others can’t get started and hide. Some can’t say no; others are over-controlling or (passive) aggressive. Some suffer from overdoing (overeating, overthinking, overworking, etc…) others do nothing, freeze and procrastinate. From the point of view of a transformative Coach, the root of this emotional struggle is the same: a protective Part of us makes us stay “safe” in our mental trap.


Why? Because at the unconscious level there is an underlying lack of self-trust that we can’t handle the given challenge. However, please don’t be too harsh on yourself; this protective Part is trying its best to keep you well and will be exploring its positive intentions step by step.


We often deny it because the pain of feeling unworthy is so immense, that our system puts layers of protection over it until we are ready to see it and deal with it. Comments such as “I don’t have a problem with myself,” “I must perform,” “I can’t afford to relax,” “I am happy with being overweight,” or “I don’t have time to go to the doctor” are signs of denial.


However, a closer look indicates that our lives, vacations, friendships, or hobbies often resemble being over-scheduled, impatient, stressed, angry, disappointed, addicted to work or shopping, or having a primary focus on performance or pleasing others. Sure, we can brush off our deep insecurities and escape into watching Netflix or chasing financial rewards.


We can distract ourselves into drinking, work, or sexual adventures because it is a fundamental human need to feel safe, even if all these coping tactics are only an illusion of safety and in reality keep us trapped for years or even a lifetime. And so our protective Parts of us keep us safe and trapped, creating negative thoughts such as “I can’t make it” or “I’m not worth it”.


This lowers our confidence, morale, and courage to take action, becomes overwhelming sooner or later as it put us in a negative spiral. And so if we continue to believe that mind-chattering voice, the protective Part, we lose trust in our abilities, stop contributing, and as a result get disconnected from our Core Self, not sharing our true talents with the world. Many people don’t realize their inner power and don’t acknowledge the strength, creativity, and resilience they actually have automatically during hard times.


Unfortunately, they keep listening to the mind-chattering voice that continues to tell them all the false stories. Their “Internal Critic Part” whispers, distracting them from their purpose, standing on their way of creating sustainable wellbeing for themselves and generations to come. There are many unfortunate effects which we can encounter if we continue to neglect the situation.


Because when we do not develop trust in ourselves, the minimum negative effect is that we will leave an opportunity on the table to have an incredible life of our own design. I continually hear my client say things like, “I was given an opportunity but wasn’t confident enough to act on it.”


But more often than not, not dealing with the actual issue of lack of self-trust will leave its marks and negative impact on our life. Initially, we start living under stress and then end up missing so many growth opportunities in life. If we ignore this matter, it gets worse with time. Take a minute to reflect. How much time have you spent so far being obsessed with your insecurity?


How many weeks, months, or years have you beaten yourself up, forcing yourself to take action, at the same time procrastinating while being convinced that you aren’t good enough, anyway? If you’re like me, you’ve spent much of your life fighting with yourself in this way. And so the cost of not facing and healing your main issue with self-inadequacy is high because your inner calling will continue to be restless and bring you back into situations in life until you finally face the truth and follow your higher purpose.


There are times when we recognize that in the past something has hurt us, we realize that as a consequence; we are either shy, scared, deficient in self-esteem, lacking in confidence, unable to make a commitment to a relationship, or we have made up for it by overindulging, shopping, smoking, taking drugs, or by being pushy, loud, inactive or something else. Far more often than not, the assumption is just that it is our genetic code, and this is the way we are. But then you are giving up your power to be the captain of your ship.


Therefore I am inviting you to take a closer look and consider that this might have been conditioned. There is no need for you to have been severely abused in order to experience feelings of being inadequate. Some spiritual teachers say: “If you had a childhood, then you have been affected. The question is just one of intensity.”


And the truth is, none of us is born with insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. You weren’t born that way, you just learned this coping tactic during a particular challenge in the past, but it does not serve you anymore. In fact, it is now hindering your happiness. You may not even be aware of it, but if you pay attention, it may express itself in your life in other ways, through health problems, addictions, procrastination, self-sabotage, confusion, and so on…


According to entrepreneur and bestselling author Tony Robbins says that success is achieved through a plan that is 80 percent psychological and 20 percent strategic.


How you handle those plateaus, psychologically, will determine whether you remain stalled there forever and your company ends up in the graveyard. If you find yourself facing psychological mental traps — deal with them, and you’ll have a chance of making it success and on the other side.



 

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